I worry about when they will reach a certain height and the police will really start to perceive them as a serious threat. I contemplate where to "hide" them so they can grow up and live and breathe without being slaughtered by ignorant and fearful white police or be taken under by senseless street violence. I worry about what the impact of knowing they are targets will have on their psyche and self esteem. I worry that when I try to empower them I am actually degrading them.
I worry that someone will try to harm them because the media has deemed them expendable for real and for ratings. I worry that they will actually digest my revolutionary rhetoric and willingly be a target for justice because they are fed up and they are righteous. I worry that they will have to worry like this once they become parents.
I lay awake angry that white people with white children do very little to express solidarity with black families. I am angry that white parents do not say out loud and often and to other white families that the killing of black and brown youth is a direct reflection of the way that society views black and brown people in general and therefore a reflection of themselves. I am angry that white families don't have the guts to address white supremacy. I am angry that young black people have to take to the streets and smash on their own communities in order for white families to notice and that those white families will just use it as an excuse to continue to stereotype them. I am tired of being paralyzed.
Because I have black sons I now understand and empathize with the paralyzing fear that the black community has overcome for centuries in this nation in order to breathe another day, to be happy anyways, to strive despite and the reason why they would have to break down their own homes and establishments to make a point. That's not ignorance. That's desperation. That's selflessness. Even if outsiders or community members don't understand. That's saying that "I will give up my freedom, my life, my home so that others will see that it is that serious" and yet white families will still try to label it as something else. They will still hide from being truthful. They will still blame the victims. They will carry on with their own lives without taking any responsibility for their passive participation in immorality. They will purposefully fail to acknowledge the plight of black and brown youth because they are too scared to be honest with themselves. They will delete me as their Facebook friend. They will talk about me behind my back. They will remain the oppressor. And I will stay awake worrying that eventually one of them harm my child.